Field Notes Journal Entry
Arrival at "Fawlty Towers"
An arrival that promised much and delivered… something else entirely. A memorable stay for all the wrong reasons, redeemed only by wildlife, wit, and the shared determination to see the funny side
Arrival and First Impressions
Philip had confirmed with his own company booking officer that we were booked to arrive at our next accommodation at lunchtime however this didn’t prevent the lodge staff from being entirely unprepared for our arrival.
In fairness to them, they did sort things out reasonably quickly, showing us to our room that was good, if a little dirty in places (under the bed) and very sizable (enough to accommodate two four-poster beds). It did need airing though, and we were left to work out how to open the tent sides ourselves and we did find the previous occupants pillowcases on the floor by the bed!
The bathroom was … interesting! There was a bath in front of a full-size window that occupied the rest of the wall that was clearly intended to provide panoramic views of the African bush but had no blinds for those occasions when they might be needed. Evidently, the designer was a bit of an exhibitionist!
The walls were “decorated”, though I use the term loosely, with slate tiles painted with gloss paint that was peeling in places.
The toilet was in a three-quarter height cubicle in the corner with a glazed door on the cubicle. Mercifully, it was frosted glass - the designer may have been an exhibitionist but he, or she, clearly had limits!
Lunch and the Lodge Revealed
Lunch was as “interesting” as the bathroom. Walking from our room to reception, that I’ll come back to shortly, we passed herds of grazing zebra in the grounds, which were nice to see, but we were simultaneously treated to the smell of burning meat. Yum!
When the meal arrived at our table, the epic scale of the generosity of our hosts was revealed. A portion of boiled rice on the scale of Mount Meru was accompanied by a portion of meat stew that would’ve struggled to achieve full coverage on a small soup spoon.
The waiter who served us evidently trained at the **** You Bloody Tourists school of hospitality - service with a snarl. You have to admire the consistency.
The lodge was clearly somewhat confused about its identity as it was advertised as one thing but, as we sat down to lunch, we noticed a card on the table with an entirely different branding on it. In fact, and unusually, there was hardly any branding anywhere, except on the customer feedback QR code on the aforementioned card.
In fairness, though, I can understand why they want to keep it hush-hush. That way, if you were to look it up on TripAdvisor, you might mistake it for somewhere really good!
Reception, Reality, and Dinner
I promised to return to the subject of reception. They’d evidently gone for the “Old MacDonalds Farm” ambience as it was exactly like driving into a farmyard! Once Philip had driven the Land Cruiser around the wheel-less truck that was dumped unceremoniously on the track leading up to the place, reception itself was a cross between a barn and a cargo loading bay for trucks.
This is one of those camps where it’s not safe to wander around alone after dark. After all, you might be chased and eaten by former guests that have gone feral in their desperation for a decent meal! For your protection, a Maasai warrior (allegedly) escorts you to and from your room out-of-hours.
As an aside, the men’s toilets in reception were evidently made for him: having pushed the “pull” handle to open the door, demolishing the wash basin that’s ideally positioned to prevent the door from opening more than a crack (the Lord help any oversize tourist who stays here!), you’re confronted by a urinal that’s damned-near chest height. Older gentlemen with “weak flow” need not apply!
It was with a great sense of relief that we drove away from the wretched place for our afternoon game drive. The topic of conversation immediately turned to our impressions of the place, as Philip could tell we weren’t impressed, and nor was he. He said he’d see if we could be moved, though it later turned out that this wouldn’t be feasible. After an epic game drive, it was with a sense of trepidation that we returned to the room and showered for dinner.
Sadly, our worst fears were to be realised!
We were escorted to the bar and dining area and, as we were early, ordered a beer each and sat in the seating area sipping it, expecting to be shown to our table when the time came and dinner was ready.
Silly us! For all their other manifest defects, the staff were evidently all cast members in “the Midwich Cuckoos”, with ESP coming as standard! Clearly, they expected us to read their minds to know dinner was ready.
When the meal, a buffet, had been brought out and all the other guests had been seated, we decided that even one of their dinners was preferable to starvation and got up to seat ourselves. A staff member immediately leapt to our side (well, sloped up moodily, at any rate) and asked if we knew our table. When we said not, he seemed mortally offended, as though we’d suggested he sell his granny into slavery with some Barbary Coast Pirates! As I said, ESP is evidently standard for both staff and guests.
Dinner, as I’ve said, was a buffet and while the soup was okay, if watery, and the rice was, in fact, quite good, the beef stew was inedible. Well, I say “beef” but it was more lumps of gristle with a few shreds of meat attached that the hyena they evidently stole it from had spat out as something even it didn’t find palatable!
Clearly, what we thought was low “mood” lighting in the dining area is actually darkness intended to prevent the guests from seeing the horror story unfolding on their plates, so it was with relief that we took our leave and headed back to the room.
Field Notes
- Accommodation quality - by and large, this was quite excellent across the journey; this was the only consistently poor experience
- Staffing - both disorganised and, in come cases, seemed intentionally inhospitable
- Shared humour - crucial to succesfully navigating and remembering the experience!